Mr. Sandman Bring me a Dream

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I live in a quiet area of the city…but at 3am I can’t believe how noisy it is…the fridge, with water pumping somewhere within it’s depths as ice cubes drop making room for the water to freeze and make more. The furnace comes on once in awhile…in between  the auger turning and grinding, as the pellets clink into the burn pot of the pellet stove….hmmmm. Is that alliteration? I am too tired to know.

No TV, radio or stereo are on…the things that purposely make noise…no lights are on, save for that from my computer screen as I type…wishing I could sleep.

swirling-thoughtsThings go through my head…I worry about things…pointless things…the worry is pointless….court cases, houses selling, moving and downsizing…wanting somewhere warmer, but not sure where…leaving/staying…wolves in the city…lost dogs in these frigid temps…kids that live near yet I  seldom see…kids that live far away that I seldom see….neutoric dog, overworked husband, retirement….oh lord…mother, sisters, friends….all growing older, having more health issues. Silly things I see on line, improbable, impossible, iconic, idiotic things. Things this government is doing to systematically destroy our country…nothing good, nothing positive there…makes me angry…no makes me furious….

List of stuff to sell, to keep, to move, to store….lists of things to do, to build, to fix, to buy, lists of passwords, lists of lists.

insomnia-cartoonWondering if I should try and sleep again…decide no. Don’t want to wake my sweetheart who has an early start tomorrow…this…morning.

Look out the windows but no aurora, too cloudy. Wondering why I sleep so well at the cabin but not here. Perhaps because it’s where I hang my heart, although anywhere my love is is ‘home’.

Thinking of choices…decisions in the making….make sure you get it right this time.

Smiling as I think of friends recently reconnected. Feeling joy thinking of friendships nearly as long as my life. Sadness of friendships ended, but understanding it needed to happen.

Going over the list of blessings in my life and knowing first hand the changes gratitude can make.

Mulling over things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things and prioritizing those that do.

Solving the problems of the world, yet unable to solve 34 Across.

Wondering why the sandman no longer enjoys my company. Wondering why the light from the waxing moon likes it so much.

tumblr_m741c9Trrn1rw2flbo1_r1_1280I’ll finish this and then go to bed…to sleep, perchance to dream. Hopefully not to die. I enjoy the sunrises too much for that. Goodnight.

Back to Where You’ve Never Been

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“There are places I remember…..all my life

Though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain”

Those simple words written by Paul McCartney and John Lennon have always stirred something deep in my soul.

Do you ever miss a place you’ve never been?

There are many places in this world that I have never been, but there are two places I have never been that my heart longs for….when I go to that place of melancholy memory. It is a feeling that is so palatable as to be a physical longing.

My soul weeps with the emotion of a long awaited homecoming…just there, beyond the horizon…

Sometimes it will be reading about a far off place that brings the longing, but often it will come from dreams. Over the years there have been times where I feel so certain that I have been somewhere else as I sleep that it is startling, but never frightening. Images so deeply etched in my subconscious that they become conscious and I have found it difficult to find clarity for several moments after waking.

Mostly it  is the music …. the rythmn of an African drum matches the beat of my heart…I feel joy to the roots of my being. The drum calls to me and something almost primal stirs …nothing I can explain.

The emptiness and ache is the worst when I see pictures of, or hear music from, Scotland….odd given my Irish heritage….but I have never been drawn to Ireland like I have Scotland. I feel such an affinity, a yearning that calls me ‘home’….home to a place I have never been.

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It’s a nostalgia for a time and place that I’ve never experienced. It’s not Deja-vu; it’s something more than that. A yearning that is unexplainable….defies words, but not emotion.

I am pensive, despondent. I feel such profound sorrow at never being able to attain the joy I know I once had in these places of my non existent memory. Perhaps one day I will travel to these, the places of my heart. Perhaps I will not. For I have been there. Once. Long, long ago.