Vanya

It all started when I recently took my firearms training.

The oddness of it. After all these years.

On my mind everyday….several times a day. There when I open my eyes. Still there when I close them at night.

Keeping me awake. Worrying. Wondering. Did she know? Did she sense something? Was it painful? Was it over before she felt anything? Did she see him?

I have thought of her often over the years. Twenty three this coming autumn.

Never like this, never so many times each day, for days on end. I almost wrote…”what triggered it?”…then did…those words sending chills down my back.

Maybe I never grieved for her. My loss. Maybe it was getting my restricted license. Maybe it was just time. To grieve.

So long I have remembered her laugh. She had a ‘heart smile’…she smiled with her eyes. They actually twinkled. That one crooked tooth made her especially beautiful. I used to tease her about her love of pastels. “Pretty in pink” I’d tell her, and she’d laugh. Every time.

We shared a love of board games. And were competitive. Hated to lose. Laughed when we did. Laughed harder when we won.

God, I miss her and that laugh. And those twinkling eyes. And those pastels.

I don’t even remember when, or how, we met. I just remembered how much I liked her from the start. And then I loved her.

She was my maid of honour at our wedding…he, her love, our best man. Our sons best buds.

Then she was gone. We got the call. One shot. Point blank range. Back of her head. One she had given life to. Taken hers. Then his. While she cooked his supper.

That laugh silenced. Forever. Gone.

The. Pain. Hurts. My. Heart.